I believe it's been over a year since the last time I shared something out of my brain here. My writing muscle has been relaxed for too long that I don't even want to think that I may have lost the art of spilling my words in an electronic paper. I seldom write my thoughts on paper nowadays as well and it scares me. It scares me. I get scared with myself. I might just burst one day and just shut up for good. And so I am giving myself this opportunity to spend the remaining hours of my existence as a twenty-four year old human before I turn another year by midnight.
Here it goes.
Dearest Self,
In your remaining hour as a twenty-four year old human being, you were sitting in front of your laptop, typing your thoughts away as you missed writing something. After months and I believe almost all those days of not talking and allowing personal social media accounts to take over your former writing time, you allowed yourself to go back to that feeling of just spilling everything without even thinking about the time or the length of what you're typing about or even your grammar. Just continuously typing until you feel yourself dried out of words and thoughts and feelings.
Tonight while you were typing, fear and uncertainties are crawling over you. You allowed yourself to ask about things, let worry creep into your system. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable and accept the fact that you are confused, tired, afraid, having questions. Just a human being without the strong, happy, optimistic façade you've ben keeping up for every one to see until you get tired of everything. Until you lay that mask on your bedside at the end of a long day.
Just this time, you allowed yourself to sink on the floor, to lie down on its cold surface to admire the ceiling as it starts to swim in your own tears, metaphorical or not, Tonight, you allowed yourself to be weak.
And in the final minutes of you being in your twenty-four self, you admit to your self that life is not always perfect. You will fail and you will fail people around you. You will fall and feel useless. You will break and feel helpless. You'll stop in the middle of all the human motions and feel inadequate, unqualified, undeserving.
And yet, look at you right now. You are still standing up.
Remember December last year? It would definitely stick with you since it was the day when you finally broke down after being strong (or trying to be) with everything that you've been going through in life after all these years. The medications, the sickness, the people whom you kept on rooting for (some of them don't even appreciate what you were doing), the people you love (with some who doesn't love you in return), the reality that you do not feel like yourself anymore, of your own body fighting its own, an invisible enemy who kept attacking you. You broke down, hoping for everything to stop.
You got through with it, remember. You woke up the next day.
Dearest 24 year old self, it is okay to be vulnerable at times but remember to not dwell on that part of life. You could be strong, You have God on your side. Allow Him to catch you, allow Him to take over everything. It is okay to let go. Let go of things if you can't hold onto them anymore. IT IS OKAY. He's got you in His hands. You don't have to be afraid.
Do not doubt what He can do and will do in your life and in your current situation. I know it is hard and it will be hard but always go back to trusting Him even when things aren't making sense and everything sounds so absurd to you. Let go. Learn and keep re-learning how to let go and accept the fact that you are truly nothing without Him.
Empty yourself. Release yourself from these worries, and fears, and all the lies that is clouding up your head, of the sadness that you feel you should be feeling right now. Empty yourself. Allow Him to enter your world. Let go of the keys of the doors you locked long ago and allow him to discover them one by one until He learns all the crooks and crannies that you kept. All the secrets, all the dust, the skeletons, everything.
And abandon them rooms one by one until you have nothing left. LET GO and allow yourself to be empty in front of Him like how empty your water bottle is after long hours of running under the scorching sun.
Be empty like how a beggar who haven't eaten for days would finish a plateful of food.
Be empty farther than how you felt empty when you were burdened with things. But this time, it will be with perfect sense and in full surrender.
Just let go. Allow yourself to fall in His arms. Let Him carry you. You cannot and will never be able to do things on your own. Let it go. Let Him carry you. He's the only one who could.
So my dear twenty-four year old self, sit.
It's okay.
You can be true to yourself and just let go.
Trust Him and breathe.
He's got you.
Happy Birthday.
-Your twentyfive year old self in a few minutes.
Here it goes.
Dearest Self,
In your remaining hour as a twenty-four year old human being, you were sitting in front of your laptop, typing your thoughts away as you missed writing something. After months and I believe almost all those days of not talking and allowing personal social media accounts to take over your former writing time, you allowed yourself to go back to that feeling of just spilling everything without even thinking about the time or the length of what you're typing about or even your grammar. Just continuously typing until you feel yourself dried out of words and thoughts and feelings.
Tonight while you were typing, fear and uncertainties are crawling over you. You allowed yourself to ask about things, let worry creep into your system. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable and accept the fact that you are confused, tired, afraid, having questions. Just a human being without the strong, happy, optimistic façade you've ben keeping up for every one to see until you get tired of everything. Until you lay that mask on your bedside at the end of a long day.
Just this time, you allowed yourself to sink on the floor, to lie down on its cold surface to admire the ceiling as it starts to swim in your own tears, metaphorical or not, Tonight, you allowed yourself to be weak.
And in the final minutes of you being in your twenty-four self, you admit to your self that life is not always perfect. You will fail and you will fail people around you. You will fall and feel useless. You will break and feel helpless. You'll stop in the middle of all the human motions and feel inadequate, unqualified, undeserving.
And yet, look at you right now. You are still standing up.
Remember December last year? It would definitely stick with you since it was the day when you finally broke down after being strong (or trying to be) with everything that you've been going through in life after all these years. The medications, the sickness, the people whom you kept on rooting for (some of them don't even appreciate what you were doing), the people you love (with some who doesn't love you in return), the reality that you do not feel like yourself anymore, of your own body fighting its own, an invisible enemy who kept attacking you. You broke down, hoping for everything to stop.
You got through with it, remember. You woke up the next day.
Dearest 24 year old self, it is okay to be vulnerable at times but remember to not dwell on that part of life. You could be strong, You have God on your side. Allow Him to catch you, allow Him to take over everything. It is okay to let go. Let go of things if you can't hold onto them anymore. IT IS OKAY. He's got you in His hands. You don't have to be afraid.
Do not doubt what He can do and will do in your life and in your current situation. I know it is hard and it will be hard but always go back to trusting Him even when things aren't making sense and everything sounds so absurd to you. Let go. Learn and keep re-learning how to let go and accept the fact that you are truly nothing without Him.
Empty yourself. Release yourself from these worries, and fears, and all the lies that is clouding up your head, of the sadness that you feel you should be feeling right now. Empty yourself. Allow Him to enter your world. Let go of the keys of the doors you locked long ago and allow him to discover them one by one until He learns all the crooks and crannies that you kept. All the secrets, all the dust, the skeletons, everything.
And abandon them rooms one by one until you have nothing left. LET GO and allow yourself to be empty in front of Him like how empty your water bottle is after long hours of running under the scorching sun.
Be empty like how a beggar who haven't eaten for days would finish a plateful of food.
Be empty farther than how you felt empty when you were burdened with things. But this time, it will be with perfect sense and in full surrender.
Just let go. Allow yourself to fall in His arms. Let Him carry you. You cannot and will never be able to do things on your own. Let it go. Let Him carry you. He's the only one who could.
So my dear twenty-four year old self, sit.
It's okay.
You can be true to yourself and just let go.
Trust Him and breathe.
He's got you.
Happy Birthday.
-Your twentyfive year old self in a few minutes.