I've been keeping this blog off my line of vision for the past months and it is starting to feel like college again where I get to suppress everything with the threat of exploding any time soon. And writing is my only outlet. To get everything out of my head is the best way to stop things from bothering me and pushing me farther in the deepest, darkest corners of my box.  

And so tonight, I write.

KNOWvember. I've made the word the title of this post as this month allowed me to know about a lot of things. Know about the people existing in my life. Know about the story they carry with them along with some secrets that are kept unsaid, some for years and others recent. Know new people, new set of friends, new connections. Know more about the heart of God. Know more about myself like how I became an introvert and the reasons why and how it buried me deeper into being more silent. Know more about my silence. Know more about His plans. Know more about myself and how I recently learned that I am scattered in the atmosphere and how I am not myself lately.

I should get back to being me. I've realized just last night that certain events for the past months left me scattered in the atmosphere. I am all over the place and it is not good. I am also easily distracted lately. My short attention span has gotten worse in the past two months. I lose my focus easily and get it fluctuating for the rest of the day. 

This is not me. I have to know how to keep myself contained in one place, thinking things one at a time. Get my rhythm back again. It's that time of the year again. I am losing it and this should stop. 

So tonight, I have to know. I should know. And in the process, be better. Function better. Learn about myself more. Know better. Breathe better.

I believe it's been over a year since the last time I shared something out of my brain here. My writing muscle has been relaxed for too long that I don't even want to think that I may have lost the art of spilling my words in an electronic paper. I seldom write my thoughts on paper nowadays as well and it scares me. It scares me. I get scared with myself. I might just burst one day and just shut up for good. And so I am giving myself this opportunity to spend the remaining hours of my existence as a twenty-four year old human before I turn another year by midnight.

Here it goes.

Dearest Self,

In your remaining hour as a twenty-four year old human being, you were sitting in front of your laptop, typing your thoughts away as you missed writing something. After months and I believe almost all those days of not talking and allowing personal social media accounts to take over your former writing time, you allowed yourself to go back to that feeling of just spilling everything without even thinking about the time or the length of what you're typing about or even your grammar. Just continuously typing until you feel yourself dried out of words and thoughts and feelings.

Tonight while you were typing, fear and uncertainties are crawling over you. You allowed yourself to ask about things, let worry creep into your system. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable and accept the fact that you are confused, tired, afraid, having questions. Just a human being without the strong, happy, optimistic façade you've ben keeping up for every one to see until you get tired of everything. Until you lay that mask on your bedside at the end of a long day.

Just this time, you allowed yourself to sink on the floor, to lie down on its cold surface to admire the ceiling as it starts to swim in your own tears, metaphorical or not, Tonight, you allowed yourself to be weak.

And in the final minutes of you being in your twenty-four self, you admit to your self that life is not always perfect. You will fail and you will fail people around you. You will fall and feel useless. You will break and feel helpless. You'll stop in the middle of all the human motions and feel inadequate, unqualified, undeserving.

And yet, look at you right now. You are still standing up.

Remember December last year? It would definitely stick with you since it was the day when you finally broke down after being strong (or trying to be) with everything that you've been going through in life after all these years. The medications, the sickness, the people whom you kept on rooting for (some of them don't even appreciate what you were doing), the people you love (with some who doesn't love you in return), the reality that you do not feel like yourself anymore, of your own body fighting its own, an invisible enemy who kept attacking you. You broke down, hoping for everything to stop.

You got through with it, remember. You woke up the next day.

Dearest 24 year old self, it is okay to be vulnerable at times but remember to not dwell on that part of life. You could be strong, You have God on your side. Allow Him to catch you, allow Him to take over everything. It is okay to let go. Let go of things if you can't hold onto them anymore. IT IS OKAY. He's got you in His hands. You don't have to be afraid.

Do not doubt what He can do and will do in your life and in your current situation. I know it is hard and it will be hard but always go back to trusting Him even when things aren't making sense and everything sounds so absurd to you. Let go. Learn and keep re-learning how to let go and accept the fact that you are truly nothing without Him.

Empty yourself. Release yourself from these worries, and fears, and all the lies that is clouding up your head, of the sadness that you feel you should be feeling right now. Empty yourself. Allow Him to enter your world. Let go of the keys of the doors you locked long ago and allow him to discover them one by one until He learns all the crooks and crannies that you kept. All the secrets, all the dust, the skeletons, everything.

And abandon them rooms one by one until you have nothing left. LET GO and allow yourself to be empty in front of Him like how empty your water bottle is after long hours of running under the scorching sun.

Be empty like how a beggar who haven't eaten for days would finish a plateful of food.

Be empty farther than how you felt empty when you were burdened with things. But this time, it will be with perfect sense and in full surrender.

Just let go. Allow yourself to fall in His arms. Let Him carry you. You cannot and will never be able to do things on your own. Let it go. Let Him carry you. He's the only one who could.

So my dear twenty-four year old self, sit.

It's okay.

You can be true to yourself and just let go.

Trust Him and breathe.

He's got you.

Happy Birthday.

-Your twentyfive year old self in a few minutes.

It has been months and months of no updates and now I was wondering..

if after all these months  you'd like to meet? *sings in the tone of Adele's Hello*

Would you forgive me for not bogging for quite a while now? I've been to absorbed with work that adventures doesn't come in like the usual. But with faith, I am claiming that this year would be a year full of adventures, and breakthroughs. Along with that, the hope that I'll be able to fill this space with more adventures. Who knows, I might start sharing some of my poetry here so as not to keep all of them for myself. Might be about time to get some of the stuff out of the den.

And with that, I hope to be back with awesome stuff, soon. Here's one of the things I've been doing lately (Graphics, more graphics, writings.. I need good, proper sleep). I made this once when I was starting to feel like hope is slipping away fast due to this trial I went through. It calmed me, hearing God's voice through this two-word ocean. I hope it inspires you as much as it inspired me. Cheerio, friends! I will be back.

In times that I forget, God finds His ways to remind me this.

It's been a long time since I made a blog post and it feels so foreign facing my blog typing words and upon words in hopes that I'm making sense just like how I used to, before. I've been too absorbed with work that I haven't noticed, I wasn't even able to post my Christmas post and it's already the end of January. lately, I've been having almost everyday dates with Photoshop and graphic work, unaware that I spend the day without writing anything just like how I used to. Yes, I shall go back to writing again.

Enough of the long introductions, today is the last of our telethon! Yes, just like last, last time, I was assigned to be the writer for tonight. The last one, I did photography since our boss wanted me to focus on my pending work load. And now, I am back to articles! Good thing I was able to finish my graphic work yesterday (the heavy ones), so the work load earlier this day is better.

And now, Yes, I am writing this blog post to help myself to shift to writing the blog posts since I've been marinated in graphics for the entire week.

Please do pray for me! I hope to finish the articles faster than last time. After all, it's for the audiences and the souls that it will reach.

Good night, everyone! May the Lord grant you a safe, peaceful sleep tonight. And yes, I wish to update you with some of the escapades I had for the entire being I was away from my beloved blog.

And I will be hosting another Midnight Tea Party. For the hopeful return to writing continuously.

Cheerio!

A sick hooman.

It's been two weeks since I officially started with my work as a Media Researcher. Yes, the host of the Midnight Tea Party's been away for such time, spending time with her lovely, lovely corner at the office. It's been two weeks and I admit it's been a challenge as well. We just started and we've already been challenged with three media plans. Gaaah! The joy of creating one!

Today's the last day of our week-long Telethon and I am summoned to do the article for the landing page of our program. So, here I am, blogging and updating you in hopes to get the gears going.

It's a week full of updates on how God moved in the life of everyone and it's overwhelming to see how He works! I pray that the Lord will bless you as well!

I know the title's sort of lost in this post. But wait! There's more!

In the midst of bouncing all over the place to get the creative juice running, I got my most trusted sidekick (to let people know that I am a girl! I've been mistaken for a guy lately because I chopped off a great deal of my hair.) and ran to the washroom.

I got back to my station wearing colored lips with a cute shade of pink!

Cheerio!

"Do You Want To Build A Snowman?"

I've been gone out for too long and I admit that though I am not off the international online connections, I had been all over the place spending time with real people in the real world, taking inconsistent hiatus, and being a hermit as well. Also, I had been updating files and fixing the needed papers for my employment. Yep, the freelancer Clyde has been signed under a company!

But, seriously? What have I been up to, lately? Let me give you a rundown, a glimpse of what I've been busy with for the past days.

Pages in a book I saw at the Children's section in a Booksale. Hilarious but why is it in the Children's section?

1. I've been spending time reading books. The tangible ones and the virtual. Yep, for the span of two weeks or so, I had finished reading like six to eight books (and I still have like ongoing reads right now!). I've been visiting bookstores a looooot! And though I've been saving up a lot, lately for my future plans, here comes a random bookstore visit while the family went out for dinner. I asked if I could be excused for a washroom break since we're still waiting for the meal to come. When I suddenly had the courage to make a detour to my favorite bookstore. Then, here comes the two latest books in the Flavia de Luce series I've been following, waving at me by the shelf! GAAAAH! I swear you'll hear me squealing when I got the two books in my hand. So there, I ended up returning to the family dinner with the two books warmly tucked in my arms. Mind you, they're the only copy left in that branch!

What a bibliophile! I tweeted about this the last time. Too happy with the two books I've been waiting for!





2. Our Bible Study Group had successfully carried out the next Beauty 101 event we've planned for this year! Yey! The first one tackled about Beauty (it's real meaning) and some make-up session from a professional artist. This time, we discussed about relaxation, peace, and rest. We invited a guest speaker for the event, this time, a nurse who now owns a spa. We're taught of how to relieve ourselves from stress by self-massage and possible things you could do to de-stress. Also our leader talked about how we could fully rest on God's presence. How all the problems that we think is so big, is truly tinier than a grain of sand compared to the big God and Father that we have. I was the designated photographer/the crazy lady who loved the crackers at the snack table/squirrel that night. 

   My plain drinking cup won't always end up plain. I decided to be a Squirrel that night! (Homage to the crush!)

   
   

   For some reason, I unconsciously channeled my illegitimate brother from another country!

   
   

   Here's my illegit older brother (the one in button-down) with le original Squirrel. We look alike, right?

   
   

   Spot the Cup!

(pun intended)